Deliver Me From Disney

It’s officially summer. My kids have worked hard all year, and I am looking forward to some well deserved down time for all of us. I have a lot of goals for the summer: hang out at the pool, take a vacation, play games, see some movies, and just relax. Also a number one priority is minimizing my exposure to the mindless drivel constantly spewed forth by the Disney Channel.

My kids could sit around and watch this obnoxious programming all day. These shows are so lacking in intelligence that I find it painful to be in the same room when it’s on. And there is no relief if they change the channel to Nick.

Let’s see if I can get the formula right. We need a fashionista female character, a book smart nerdy character, an oddball character, and possibly a troublemaker or really dumb character. For extra fun, we could throw in a lazy butler or a talking dog. Preferably one or both parents will be out of the picture for some reason. Just add an absurd plot line and a laugh track, and you are good to go.

What I really miss are the nice preschool shows. Kids could watch a little Dora and learn some Spanish. I am pretty sure parts of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse were educational. Maisy didn’t even have any talking. How peaceful! If I am lucky, I can get my younger daughter to watch Sophia the First. (I love anything Tim Gunn does.)

It’s too bad there aren’t educational shows for tweens and teens on Disney. What if Austin and Ally wrote a song explaining the Pythagorean Theorem? Jessie could teach all those Ross kids about direct and indirect objects. Stan could write a dog blog about genetics.

Of course, if that happened, my kids would probably lose interest in the shows. So if you see me at Hobby Lobby stocking up on art supplies, you will know I am valiantly pursuing alternative indoor activities. Have a great summer!

Pondering at Target

Here are the top 5 things I wonder when I’m at Target
1. Am I the only one talking to myself in the frozen food aisle?
As I peruse the cases for the Market Pantry mini chicken sandwiches (which my family prefers to anything fresh I cook), I like to mumble to myself about the weighty decisions of the day. For example, should I send my daughter to swim team practice or cheerleading practice? She can’t do both, so which is more important? I can mutter about the pros and cons for several minutes while finding the Morningstar breakfast sausage (which counts as a vegetable in my house). After sixteen years of marriage, I have learned that my husband has no interest in this minutia. Really only the frozen food and my mom care to listen. God bless her.

2. What would happen if I checked out for less than $100?
I am pretty sure Citibank would call me suspecting fraud because they would assume it wasn’t me. A charge for $28 – impossible! It seems that even if I enter the store with only three items on my list, by the time I leave, I have loaded up my cart. My weakness is the workout clothes. Compared to Lululemon (where my twelve-year-old shops), the fitness clothes at Target are practically free.

3. What would happen if I ate the Planter’s Men’s Health nut mix?
I am fairly certain I would not grow “nuts” (no pun intended), so what is so special about this mix for men? And more importantly, why isn’t there a Women’s Health nut mix?

4. What would my kids say if I dyed the ends of my blonde hair a nice pitch black?
I believe they would call me “goth” and assume I am doing drugs. I have a double piercing on my left ear, so I am halfway there already. I would generally say Target is not the best place to shop for a new hairstyle.

5. If I wore tan pants and a red shirt, would people think I work here?
I would not be willing to do this experiment at my neighborhood store, but I could drive to Pasadena and see what happens. Maybe I will attempt to get an employee discount. I am feeling like a new sports bra would really motivate me to work out more!

Sit Ups or Pie

As I stand in the checkout line at the pharmacy, I notice all the beautiful magazines tempting me with their glossy covers and provocative headlines.  I consider which one to buy.

I should be able to choose quickly, right?  I love recipe magazines, so I immediately narrow it down to either Cakes and Pies or Food Network.  That burger looks like it is topped with curly fries and ball park nacho cheese.  I crave ball park nacho cheese and might even suffer through an Astros home game to get some.

On the other hand, that ice cream pie with the chocolate and nut topping looks pretty darn good.  Plus they promise me 149 other top rated recipes.  I am not familiar with this magazine, but am guessing all the recipes are for cakes, pies, or some other similar sweet treat.  At this point, I even contemplate buying both.

I stand back a little to think and am bombarded by “Strip Away Fat”, “Drop Two Sizes” and “Shrink Your Belly”.  It hits me that if I buy both the food magazines and make the nacho cheese burger and 150 cakes or pies, that I will surely need to come back and buy all these fitness magazines.  Well – maybe not the men’s one, but certainly the other two.  Sounds like a conspiracy of the magazine journalism industry.

So perhaps I will skip the food magazines and get one of the healthy publications.  One promises to tell me the perks of eating carbs such as pasta, potatoes and bread.  That seems to go against all common sense, but I am sure I can be convinced to go along with that diet plan.  The other magazine cover offers me “the sex you want – every time”.

So it comes down to eating carbs with no fear or having great sex.  That’s not a decision I am prepared to make as the clerk says my prescription is ready.  On impulse, I grab the InStyle — because who doesn’t need 244 no-cost outfit ideas?

 

Song Lyrics

I have always loved singing along to the radio when I’m in my car. Many years ago, George Michael and I spent some quality time together on my frequent road trips between Fort Worth and Austin. I usually stopped in Waco for some caffeine and then got back in my hatch back Honda, turning up “Careless Whisper” as I shifted into first.

After I had kids, I remember singing along with Lady Antebellum, “It’s a quarter after one. I’m a little drunk and I need you now.” Suddenly it hit me that I needed to censor the lyrics I played for the small ears in the back seat.

Kelly Clarkson’s “Break Away” will always bring up a vision of my girls sitting in their car seats, singing at the top of their lungs. That was a favorite for a solid year; only occasionally displaced by the soundtrack to the Barbie movie “Princess and the Pauper.”

More recently, I have embarrassed myself by singing along to Imagine Dragons. I confidently crooned, “ready to rock you.” My daughter started laughing and said, “Mom, it’s Radioactive”.

Both girls were still telling that story, when I one upped myself by singing, “I came in like a rainbow” to the Miley Cyrus song “Wrecking Ball”. They thought that was hysterical and were quick to point out that rainbow doesn’t even make sense in that sentence.

Now my older daughter can sit in the front seat and frequently takes over the radio controls. Luckily my car is old, and she can’t plug her phone in for audio, or I am sure I would be assaulted by Lil’ Mama singing, “my lip gloss be popping”. I truly cannot take that.

One day a few weeks ago, I had the radio tuned to a country station. My daughter was checking her Instagram in the front seat next to me. When she heard Joe Nichols sing, “Tequlia Makes Her Clothes Fall Off,” the look on her face was priceless.

Give Me Weather or Give Me Death?

I wonder what the good folks at weather.com think I am looking for when I visit their website.

I would like to tell them that I am frequently looking for the ten day forecast. It’s really interesting in the winter here in Houston, as you could have a day at 30 degrees or one at 70. In the long, hot summer, there is really no point in looking, other than to see if you can expect your child’s swim meet to be delayed by rain.

On occasion, I am looking for the hourly forecast so that I can see if it will be raining at 3:30 in the afternoon. Then I will have to pick up my child from school instead of forcing her to walk.

A few times a year, I will even be looking at another city’s forecast to determine what to pack for an upcoming trip. Lucky day!

However, I am never on the weather.com website hoping to find stories about tragedy and death, most of which have nothing to do with a weather related event. Here are some recent headlines from their top banner:

“Lions Surround Family in Burning Car”

“Tragic End for Toddler Twin Girls”

“Tell the kids I tried as hard as I could.” (with a photo of a possibly dead woman lying on the ground in the desert.) This quote led to a video, which was only a promo for a show about a couple who got lost in Big Bend. Tune in two weeks from now to find out what happened! AHH!!

I have a nine year old who loves to check the weather every night so she can plan what to wear the next day. I hope she didn’t read yesterday’s headline, “15 Facts You Don’t Know About Pot”. The accompanying photo showed a woman holding a joint perilously close to her mouth, and I must say she looked pretty happy. Not really a DARE approved message.

I don’t think any of my blog followers work for weather.com, but if you know someone who does, please tell them to stick to the weather!

A Day in Memorial – Gone Bad!

Your day in peaceful Memorial starts like any other – you are in a hurry.  Of course there are five luxury SUVs in line ahead of yours at Starbucks.  Delayed by the unusually slow baristas, you show up a few minutes late to your tennis lesson. 

You are feeling good about your back hand when you get a text from your child:  “My project is on my desk.  I need it NOW.  PLEASE BRING IT MOM!!!!!”

You put out that fire and take a little time for yourself for a mani/pedi.  Those few minutes relieve your stress.  Because you are still in a hurry, you don’t spend quite enough time with your nails under that special blue light.  So you nick the polish on your big toe getting into your car.

You head to lunch with a few friends and can’t wait to get there and complain about Starbucks, your child and your big toe.  All goes well until you get to the drink machine.  The Diet Coke dispenser is out of order.  What?  Really?  Why is the world against you?  You can’t tolerate the taste or calories in regular Coke, so you have water.  You console yourself that it was the healthier choice anyway.

You stop by the monogram store to pick up some birthday gifts.  Your order isn’t ready.  A string of cuss words flies through your head, but you bite your tongue and say you will come back tomorrow.  To help you carry on, you drive through McDonalds for a large Diet Coke.

There seems to be just enough time to pop into Anthropologie and look at that cute dress you saw in the catalog.  Of course you can’t really “pop in” because the parking is a nightmare.  You can’t find the dress, and the sales girl tells you it is not available in stores, but they can order it.  You think about that, but decline because (a) you would have to wait for it which is no fun and (b) you would most likely need to return it and have to park here again.  You leave while composing a letter to no one in particular about how stupid it is for stores to offer “internet/catalog only” items.

You get home just in time to greet the kids off the bus.  You are now in an even bigger hurry, but your younger child cannot find her left tap shoe, and your older child wants help finding the surface area of a bird house.  Seriously? At this exact moment, your dog vomits.  You think to yourself, “whose brilliant idea was it to get a dog?” Oh wait.  That was you.

Returning from all your carpool duties, you receive a text that your husband won’t be home in time for dinner. The kids beg you to order pizza.  “Yes,” you think. “Pizza will be great.  There is hope for this day after all.”  You dial the number to Reginelli’s and reach into your SubZero for a bottle of crisp Pinot Grigio.